Omegle Presents: Destiel, a fan fiction
by doctor b. broseph
Summary: Just as described, most of the plot and dialogue is created by the unwitting assistance of Omegle Users. Do not read if you expect any form of coherency, logic or consistent characterisation. Apologies if you believe I've ruined Supernatural forever.
1. Sense? In a fan fic? Whaaat?

Omegle presents: Supernatural

It was a dark and stormy night. All sorts of horror clichés filled the air and any savvy viewer just knew that someone was about to bite the bullet, to kick the bucket, to release their lips from suckling at the teat of life.

Everyone could tell, tonight someone dies.

Except for the victims obviously. They had no clue that they were starring in a fan fiction about hit television show Supernatural. Nor did they know that their fates were not only dictated by the whims of the questionably named, Doctor B. Broseph, but the whims of the mind-numbingly inane denizens of the chat site Omegle.

Had they known, they may have killed themselves having confirmed that God couldn't possibly exist. There would be no fear of Hell, just the oblivion of the soul. They might have died with dignity…

* * *

><p>Meanwhile in the little known town of Murray Bridge, a father stirred his wife.<p>

"Oh dang," he cried with a whimper, "Oh no, the kids have snuck out of the house!"

The wife whipped out her bedroom eyes and throated at him sexily, "Now that we're alone… Let's play jumanji!"

The father stood up quickly and tore off his pants.

"Never!" he screamed in ecstasy and delight, "I'm sorry Arbell, I just can't kill you!"

Then completely contradicting his own words, he transformed into a furry beast and shredded his wife into meaty portions. It was horrifying to watch. He tore her body in delight, a spray of blood hitting the wall in a way that looked gross but also pretty cool in a macabre sort of way.

Then he lit himself on fire and descended back into the hellish basement from which he came.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile two weeks in the future and in Chicago…<p>

"Hey Dean, does this look like a case to you?" asked Sam, pointing to a newspaper bearing the head-line, "Wolf kills young mother, father still missing."

"Warararararargh," screamed Dean rather uncharacteristically, "That's a case of not enough dakka!"

"Come on Dean, be serious," pouted Sam pettily, "This could be another were-wolf attack."

"Yes," nodded Dean, "I love you."

"Who the fuck is Dean?" asked Sam quizzically.

"Dean Winchester," Dean replied angrily.

"Dean Winchester is your mother, Sam," interjected Castiel who had appeared suddenly.

Dean looked at him in disbelief, "I'm your brother, GOD Sam!"

"Oh my God, I love Supernatural," gushed Sam, "3!"

"Whoa, I like blind girls, they raise my confidence tenfold!" declared Dean rather unexpectedly.

Sam raised his eyebrow disbelievingly, "What has that got to do with anything Dean?"

Dean and Castiel both shrugged. Sam sighed and the three of them all went back to reading various books by the fireplace.

* * *

><p>"Hey Castiel," asked Dean suddenly raising his eyes from Mark Danielewski's <em>House of Leaves, <em>"How did you survive the Leviathan's possession?"

"The power of love," retorted Castiel in a deadpan tone.

"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."

"Ha-ha!" chortled Sam, "Wait what?"

"Yo," represented Dean, "You best not be messing wit' my human race you know what I'm sayin?"

"Word," Sam replied, giving his brother some support.

Dean smiled and outstretched his arms.

"Give me some sugar bro!"

Sam reached up to him and there was much sugar given. The boys hugged unto they both glistened with sparkly white powder.

"What!" gasped Castiel disbelievingly, "Sam and Dean? Are you talking about _Supernatural_?"

Sam and Dean continued to pass sugar onto each other, ignoring Castiel's query.

"Who the fuck are these people seriously?" yelled Castiel angrily, "Where do they breed?"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile in Southern France…<p>

"Hello," said one man in greeting to another.

"Hi, I'm David Powter. Let's do a round of self introduction. I'm David Powter," replied the other.

"I'm the mail man," the first man confessed, "Chill out man; you don't need to impress me."

The other man took off his shades and stared deep into the mail man's eyes, as though searching for weakness.

"David Beckham's David. Harry's Powter's Powter. I have too, it's basic respect."

* * *

><p>"Hey Cas, I brought you some cake," smiled Dean as he sauntered into the room holding a large sponge cake.<p>

"1 W4NT SOM3!" gasped Terezi Pyrope in delight.

"Cake?" asked Sollux Captor enquiringly, "Cake2 niice man."

"SOLLUX?" shrieked Terezi happily, "WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG H3R3?"

"Hey TZ," replied Sollux, "ii'm just being bored."

"Hey fuck off you trolls," growled Castiel, "This is a Supernatural fan fic not a Homestuck fan fic! HUSSIE!"

"uHHH wHAT?" asked Tavros nervously, "yOU MIGHT uHHH NEED TO SEE A SURGEON,,,"

Suddenly all the trolls died. Dean and Castiel breathed a sigh of nervous relief. Finally they were alone.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	2. The Thrilling Conclusions!

_And now the thrilling continuation of the events of the last chapter..._

Sam, Dean and Castiel marched out into the street.

"I can't believe how much has changed since Bobby died," sobbed Dean, "I can't believe Dick would be enough of a dick to shoot Bobby. Dick sure likes dicking around with us, that dick. I'll cut of his dick to revenge his dickish behaviour."

"All this talk of your Earth dicks is making me hungry," smiled Castiel, "Why don't you and I find a room, Dean?"

"Traitor," scoffed Dean, "You betrayed us and opened Purgatory. And also a Pizza hut outside New Jersey. I can never forgive you."

Castiel's eye leaked out a single tear.

"My crotch is really itchy right now. Can one of you please scratch it?"

"No Cas," sighed Sam, "The itchy crotch is your punishment for opening Purgatory."

"Let's get back to the case," grunted Bobby, "You idjits are always ignoring the fact that you're hunters. You are heroes and I raised you to fight the monsters. I'm proud of you boys."

"Thanks Bobby," smiled Dean, "I really needed that after Cas' death. All I have is his trench coat that washed ashore when the Leviathan's destroyed his vessel. I wear it to bed."

"That's creepy dude," laughed Ellen and Jo in unison.

"That does seem to cross a line," smirked Yellow Eyes Demon, "My name is Azula. I possessed a man filled with organs. Just filled to the brim with organs."

Dean threw a punch at the glass window in front of him, startling the man.

"I don't care about organ donation! FUCK ORGANS, I HATE THEM."

Sam shushed Dean with a finger on his lips.

"I know that feel bro."

They then proceeded to hug out their issues. When they finished, they no longer had any problems other than getting the job done, and maybe working of their erections.

"What's the case?"

"Several kids snuck out of their houses and got raped and stuff. Also ghosts did it."

"I'm on the case," smiled Sam, leaping out of the window and onto the roof and onto the DeLorean that the pair of them were driving.

"More like off his case, am I right?" smiled Mary Winchester, "Oh wait, I'm dead. Forget that last comment."

And with that she disappeared into a puff of smoke and logic.

"I can't wait til we can drive the Impala again," sobbed Dean quietly, as Castiel softly carried him into the DeLorean and got into the driver's seat.

"When this baby hits 88mph per hour, you guys are going to see some serious shit. I've used angel magic to make this car take us anywhere in time and space, so long as it's the exact same time as the present."

"Fucking sweet, a teleporter!" ejaculated Dean enthusiastically.

Yes, thought Castiel to himself, Dean enjoys my ride.

Cas slammed down on the brake and the car was sent spinning into the past or was it the future?

Incorrect; it was the present but not in the same location. They were in... Lucifer's cage!

"Finally, rescue!" screamed Adam, their half-brother, in relief, "I've been tortured in here for nearly two season now!"

"Fuck you, I love Sam," gurgled Dean and he pulled on the handbrake, achieving nothing.

Adam cried for nearly a week. It made Lucifer and Michael feel a bit guilty about torturing him in every conceivable way, at least for the first few days. They went back to raping all of his orifices pretty quickly after that.

"Bad news Sam and Dean," said Castiel hastily, "We are now trapped in Lucifer's cage. We can't escape until someone starts the Apocalypse. Again."

"Oh Kripke! Does this mean Lucifer is going to rape me again," sobbed Sam.

"He can't touch us Sam," smiled Castiel reassuringly, "I've locked the car doors."

And so he had, noted Lucifer glumly.

THE END

* * *

><p><strong>DIDN'T LIKE THE ENDING? HERE'S AN ALTERNATE! JUST READ FROM THE END OF CHAPTER ONE!<strong>

And then Sam and Castiel and Dean were trapped in a cave. And then they turned into my little ponies and pegasusususususus (es?).

"Oh shit oh fucks oh crap," swore Sam from beneath Dean's wing, "We are so fucked. Like at least five ways."

"Pull yourself together soldier," screamed the yellow Pegasus named Castiel, his electric green goggles giving a faint shine in the darkness, "We can totally survive this, we've just got to be smart about it."

"Fuck you," screamed the white haired Pegasus from beneath his sister's wing, "We are going to die, why can't you just accept that Castiel? We are dead. We are fucking dead."

Castiel, raised both hooves to his face, "Oh my god Sam, you are such a whiny shit. It's only been one chapter into this nightmarish fan fic and already you're squealing about how dead we all are."

"Only because death is inescapable," sighed Sam sadly, "Isn't it Dean?"

Dean looked beneath her wing sadly, "Yes Sam, I'm afraid our deaths are inevitable. Castiel is wrong. We are fucking dead."

Castiel screamed in agony.

"I can't believe how easily you fuckers gave up. You fucks! You lazy fucks!"

He kicked the cave wall angrily, sending rocks flying out. Sunlight spilled through the hole.

"Oh my God," squealed Sam in delight (_the_light?)

"Now to escape," smiled Castiel, taking a step out of the cave, knocking aside a rock holding up a large pillar of stone. As he did so, the cave, crumbled inward again, tonnes of rock tackling Castiel into the ground.

If Dean and Sam heard his last words correctly, he spent his last moments cursing vulgarly at Equestria.

"Fuck you Equestria! FUCK YOU PRINCESS CELEST-"

Silence.

"Castiel, more like Dead Wire," laughed Dean darkly and despite themselves, the twins burst into morbid laughter before it turned into tears. They sobbed in each other's hooves in the darkness for hours.

Hours turned to days. Days to weeks. Soon, months.

Dean had died in the first week. Stones had proven themselves capable of murder and desperate for food, Sam had become the cave's reluctant accomplice. It had only taken one stone to drop and Sam had talked himself into it, to ignore such an opportunity would be a waste would it not?

If it got him out of here alive, it wouldn't have been such a senseless act, reminiscent of Cain and Abel's first sin.

Sam was never found. Nor was Castiel, or his sister Dean. But legends whispered of a presence in the cave discovered years later, of a mysterious Sam that haunted its caverns.

But how much stock can you put in legend anyway?

THE END

* * *

><p><strong>YOU WANT ANOTHER ALTERNATE ENDING! SWEET KRIPKE, HOW GREEDY OF YOU! CONSIDER HOW MUCH FAMINE THERE IS IN THE WORLD AND MAYBE STOP BEING SO SELF-INDULGENT. EAT A GODDAMN BAGLE AND WRITE YOUR OWN ALTERNATE ENDING.<strong>

**I'M OUT OF THIS PLACE.**

**ABANDON SHIP, THIS FIC IS TERRIBLE ANYWAY.**

**ALLON-SY**


	3. Season Six, that's one season too many

Elsewhere in space, a blue box was floating through the cold, starry void…

And inside the aforementioned box, which was bigger on the inside (what?), there was a man in a ridiculous bowtie who answered to one title… The Doctor.

_Doowowoo Wowoo Doodoodoo doodoodilladoo Wowowoo theme music theme muuuuuusiiiiic Bowow wowooo!_

"Oh hell no," gasped the Doctor, snapping his fingers all over the place, "According to this flashing button on my screen, the TARDIS is detecting a paradigm shift in the fundamental nature of the universe."

No-one responded because the Doctor was alone, sobbing in the dark.

"Hey asl?" asked the Doctor to the empty room. No-one responded with an age, sex or location.

"Haha forever alone," smiled the Doctor, before turning back to the paradigm shift thing.

The paradigm shift, which was more of a meta-portal really, tore space a new one. It was huge, dark and throbbing.

"Huge, dark and throbbing? Sounds like your heart," laughed the Doctor once more before realising that he was indeed completely alone, "Haha."

He became so depressed by this realisation that he saddled up the TARDIS and rode it into meta-portal, waving a cowboy hat in his right hand as he did so.

"Soup's on everypony!" he screamed as he vanished in a flash of white.

* * *

><p><strong>Two months later…<strong>

"Cybersex?" suggested Castiel tentatively, as he and the boys drifted through the cage still locked in the DeLorean.

"Yogscast," babbled Dean incoherently, "No. Just no."

"Again?" asked Castiel?

"Yes," laughed Dean and soon Castiel was laughing with him.

Sam looked on confused from the side.

Castiel and Dean interlocked arms around each other's shoulders and raised their hands in declaration, "Soup to everypony!"

"What the fuck are you guys talking about?" asked Sam, an incredulous look dripping from his face, like melted ice-cream.

"Well, it depends," shrugged Castiel wearily, "I like to talk about computers."

"Hi Stranger!" said Dean, "What computer?"

"I use a MacBook Pro," smirked Castiel, "because I'm cooler than you."

"Whatever nerd, I use an Asus g73jw," scoffed Dean angrily, "End of conversation."

Dean and Castiel both folded their arms and turned away from each other shrugging angrily.

Sam face palmed heavily and repeatedly.

* * *

><p>Suddenly, the Doctor (Doctor Who?) slammed his TARDIS into the DeLorean at 88 miles per hour, merging the two vessels.<p>

"Excellent," smiled the Doctor as he surveyed the shocked trio, "Hey. Sorry about your car, but well you seem to have run down so to speak. Maybe I can help you out," he smiled as he peered out of the windscreen at Lucifer, who was wiping his angel dick across the windscreen.

"… Charming," he scoffed with a wiggle of his eye brow.

"Who the hell are you?" inquired Dean, pulling a handgun from his jacket.

The Doctor leapt forward, snatched the gun and tossed it out the window.

"Sorry but I don't really like guns. Bit of a pacificist really, except for that time when I destroyed my own race… and the Daleks… more than once…"

He sort of lost his trail of thought and wandered back up to the TARDIS control panel. Dean, Sam and Castiel followed him up.

"So who the hell are you? A leprechaun or something? Is this another Fairy posing as an alien thing?" asked Dean, nervously remembering his last encounter with fairies.

"Fairies? Oh my, that sounds excellent," marvelled the Doctor with a twinkle in his eye, "but no, I'm not a fairy. I'm a Time Lord."

"How does one kill a Time Lord?" asked Castiel bluntly.

"With great difficulty," The Doctor muttered under his breath, as he fiddled with his knobs.

"What is a Time Lord exactly," probed Sam. The use of the verb 'probe' made Dean feel a little uncomfortable.

"Well, we're sort of… Lords… who control Time… sort of. It's a big wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing, but it's flexible enough to manipulate where appropriate."

"You can change the past?" asked Dean hopefully.

"Most of it, there are certain fixed points I can't change. But shut up about that, I'm getting us out of here before Lucifer shoots us with the gun I so carelessly tossed out into his reach."

And sure enough Lucifer had taken up the gun to shoot through and break the window.

"I believe this calls for one of your human fucks," noted Castiel wryly.

"Save your reproduction for later," cackled Doctor as he stroked a particularly large knob all the way up to the tip, releasing the time energies needed to blast off.

And with that, the TARDeLorean hybrid they had created whizzed away to an unknown point in space… and time…

* * *

><p>"Here we are, safe and sound back in good old England," smiled the Doctor.<p>

He turned to say something else when Castiel touched him, sending a shockwave of energy and apparently killing the Doctor. He fell to the ground, slumping back. Blood a shade lighter than usual gushed from all of his orifices, even the ones that didn't really count.

"My God Cas, you've crossed a line," gasped Sam, "You're still evil aren't you? You didn't learn a thing from the thing with the Leviathans."

"I did what I had to. There was no other choice. I needed him to shut up."

"Cas," choked Dean, "you're breaking my heart."

Castiel's gaze narrowed angrily, "Fuck you guys, I'm going to open Purgatory again."

Dean pulled out his dick.

"That is the worst weapon choice ever," noted Sam, "You won't do any damage with that pathetic limp piece of cock."

"That's not what your mom said last night."

"STFU."

Eventually the boys put aside their differences and dealt with the question posed to them, by their situation rather than the feature of a chat site: What were they going to do with Doctor Who's corpse?

In the end, they buried him in the woods after his brutal murder. Then, they fled for the hill's to regroup and plan to take out Castiel once and for all.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the woods were silent. Suddenly there was a lot of glowing and the Doctor crawled out of his shallow grave, having regenerated into yet another lovely British actor.<p>

Huzzah!

**To be continued…**


	4. Sam & Dean die at end of S7 :O

**And now the thrilling conclusion, except this time, it's for real. Well probably. There's always the chance that I'll put up another chapter if I'm feeling particularly self-loathing in the future.**

**I mean, seriously, there is no coherence in any of this. It's to be expected I suppose, I am just stringing together a bunch of unrelated Omegle chat logs in fan fic form, but sweet Sera Gamble, is it awful or what?**

**(The only acceptable answer is a resounding "Yes. Hell Yes. Hell Fucking Yes.")**

* * *

><p>"Your conversation partner has disconnected," noted Dean wryly.<p>

Sam raised an eyebrow disbelievingly. Surely this couldn't be the case. He had only started talked to Dean.

"But Dean, we need to deal with Castiel's new plan to redo his old plan."

"Your conversation partner has disconnected."

"Dean, don't you even care that Castiel is going to re-open Purgatory? What he lets something else out and we have to fight both Leviathans and something else, like Behemoths? Sure they'll probably all take human form because every monster we fight takes human form for budget reasons, but what if it's really powerful despite said human form?"

"Tl; dr," scoffed Dean.

"Your conversation partner has disconnected," retaliated Sam.

"You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!"

"Your conversational partner has disconnected."

"Start a new conversation."

* * *

><p>Castiel marched down the hall, pulling off an impressive goose-step. North Korea would have been proud of him.<p>

Eventually he ran into the angel he had been looking for, the brilliant but incredibly foreign Alcatrazazazazazazazael. Cas just called him Alcatraz for short.

"Alcatraz, I need your help to open up Purgatory again," Castiel blurted loudly.

"I don't know what you think in both the recently launched," pouted Alcatraz in the strange garbled English he always spoke. Castiel could only guess he was a little confused.

"Look Alcatraz, it worked great last time except for the fact I had too many souls in me. Like that one time in Sodom before… you know. Anyway, I think without the Leviathans all up in my business, I could control it this time."

Alcatraz sighed heavily.

"I fear, not being allowed to attend school. Another see célebres Vice President. All criminal law, Democrats, Republicans have horses Griffin, Licorne, Assistant production and Dementors. I am convince terror it."

Castiel stared blankly at the angel.

"You… fear not being allowed to attend school? But you've never showed an interest in learning until now. Unless you're finally trying to learn English?"

"Unfortunately, the emotions must be stopped."

"You are so right," smiled Castiel, "Emotion always seems to get in the way of logical decision making. I'm glad I see that now. Thank you Alcatrazazaz-"

But Castiel never finished that sentence because at that exact moment, the Doctor had ridden a truck into his face.

"Truck in the face, no asshole is walking away from that," chuckled the Doctor uncharacteristically, "So long as you have your trucking license, it's easy to pull off."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on Omegle, the author asked some people how to end this fan fiction with the following responses.<p>

Stranger 1 has disconnected.

Stranger 1 has disconnected.

Stranger 2 has disconnected.

Stranger 2: Death

Stranger 2: Because thats how al supernatural everything ends.

Stranger 2: D:

Stranger 2 has disconnected.

And then the author asked some other people with more interesting ideas.

* * *

><p>"Hey bitch you look kawaii," Dean smiled sexily at a girl who was drinking at the bar.<p>

The girl turned around and then Dean gasped. That was no girl that was a space station.

"Have you even seen Supernatural? It's like a horror series, not science fiction you idjit," sighed Bobby.

"Dude, just go along with it. Im making it better."

"How is your nerd space show ref. going to make it better?"

"Oh hell naw. You didn't diss Star Wars. Star Wars is awesome."

"Go suck off Jar Jar."

"You baka!"

They then proceeded to have a massive fight scene. There were swords and shit everywehere and then Bobby looked like he was going to win, but then…

He took an arrow to the knee.

"Oh god, I took an arrow to the knee."

"Your conversation partner has disconnected," his opponent remarked smugly as he walked into the distance, his cape swaying behind him in the breeze.

* * *

><p>"Castiel-san," Dean asked kind-heartedly, "what do you plan on doing with all this cake?"<p>

"I am reuniting with you Dean. In the most physical way imaginable," he said raising his eyebrow and also he popped a boner.

Dean and Cas then bent over and began shovelling cake into each other's mouths and then into each other's pants. If a Destiel fan girl had been nearby, she would have exploded with joy.

But then, just as things were getting hot, steamy and angelic all up in Dean's pants, Stranger 1 burst into the room!

"Nobody move! One of you is an imposter," he smiled pulling out a Winchester rifle.

"That cake was made by my ancestors."

Stranger 2 burst through the window, shattering the glass and cutting himself open in many places. He pulled out a Rainbow Dash figurine.

"I love ponies, dammit."

Dean and Castiel were swiftly arrested. They shared meaningful glances and also touched each other in the police ride over.

Once in jail (gaol?), they tried to escape with spoons.

"We should have a spoon fight," giggled Dean smuttily.

He went to say something else, but suddenly there was too much of Castiel's cock in his mouth to speak.

They then proceeded to fuck until their deaths. And then God revived them both so they could continued to fuck for the rest of eternity.

Sam just kind of watched from the side like a creep.

**AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.**


	5. Season 8 Trials and Tribulations

**And now the thrilling conclusion, except this time, it's for real. Wait, I literally said that last chapter. I guess I'm feeling particularly self-loathing. I mean, Season 8 finished up, three trials and all that. What's the deal with Crowley, am I right? Also that angel chick, like Naomi or whatever?**

**Who really gives a shit at this point?**

**I mean, seriously, there is no coherence in any of it. Supernatural I mean. It's to be expected I suppose, the writers seem to be just stringing together a bunch of unrelated plot points in script form, but sweet Jeremy Carver, is it awful or what?**

**(The only acceptable answer is a resounding "Yes. Hell Yes. Hell Fucking Yes.")**

**THE STORY NEVER ENDS.**

**AND THEY WILL NEVER LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.**

* * *

><p><em>Unknown Location, USA 98/13_

"We need to talk about Kevin," grimaced Dean, putting aside the cake he had been shovelling into Castiel's mouth for the last portion of the previous chapter.

"Hey Kevin," said Castiel through a mouthful of velvet cake.

Kevin waved shyly from the corner of the room.

"I need to read that yet," mused Sam quietly. He was still a little miffed that he was getting none of the cake.

"My name is Kevin," Castiel managed to say through another fist of cake, "Bye Kevin."

And then Castiel became Kevin, and Kevin was no more.

* * *

><p><em>Three weeks later…<em>

The Trans were chilling in Gareth's boat, hanging, max chillaxing, beating box and boxing beats. Mrs Tran stretched out on her hammock, legs stretching out for miles and back arching backwards.

"Yeah," smirked Mrs Tran, pumping her fist triumphantly as she relaxed back down onto the hammock.

"Yup," conceded Kevin (who was still possessed by Castiel), high-fiving his mother.

"Dean 33" Mrs Tran sighed, her eyes all of a flutter.

Kevin poked out his tongue, mischievously. He himself wouldn't mind serving up a little slice of Kevin to that hottie, Dean Winchester. I mean hot damn, those abs.

The Trans were in agreement. Dean was a fine piece of ass and they wouldn't mind giving him some Trans action.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, in Florida…<em>

"I have a sword," growled Dean, pointing the weapon at Benny, his blood brother vampire.

Benny looked pissed.

"I got car keys mann."

Dean smiled. It was clear he had the advantage. With a quick slash of his sword he disconnect Benny from life.

Or undeath.

Because you know. He wasn't technically alive to begin with. But he still wasn't dead.

He was just a vampire, and was like dead but not really.

"What's the deal with vampires anyway," mused Dean to himself, "Are they dead or what?"

"Yes," added Sam from the sideline.

Dean shrugged, seemingly satisfied with the answer and the brothers got all up in the Impala and drove off into the sunset.

* * *

><p><em>Two minutes perpendicularly… <em>

"Megatron…" whispered Castiel quietly, signalling the arch-angel Metatron over to him. He was still _tran_sformed as Kevin at this point but had kept the trenchcoat as a distinguishing feature.

Metatron flew over the Castiel lazily, not bothering to correct his pronunciation at all. At this point, he was used to it.

"Optimus Prime, all the way."

"Megaton," began Castiel, "People ion the house let's go."

Castiel paused a moment, something clearly troubling his mind.

"In."

Metatron nodded sagely. Castiel had indeed been grammatically incorrect up until this point. But that was beside the point.

"The McRib is back bitches, it's time to get fat again," Metatron smiled cruelly.

"Yay!"

"Louder."

Castiel drew breath.

"Yaay!"

Metatron smirked.

"Lol. Haha."

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, in another fan fiction…<em>

Draco stared at Harry a moment, momentarily performing a double take.

"Goyle, why are you wearing glasses?"

"COS I CAN SEE CREALY NOO" Harry blurted out, nerves overtaking his ability to form comprehensible language.

"Reading? I didn't know you could read," Malfoy replied, though he paused afterwards.

"what? i cant read your question" Harry stuttered, trying to regain composure.

"Hurr durr," chimed in Ron helpfully.

"nop." Malfoy replied.

"Hi," interjected Harry, hoping to restore some semblance of comraderie between the three.

"Nasty, oh poo!"

Malfoy was clearly not enjoying their performance. It was time for Ron and Harry to go all out.

"Dam," Ron smirked, "dat ass is phat."

Malfoy blushed.

"Cut that shit out you colossal maggot. The fuck kind of question is that anyway?"

Harry realised that this was the perfect segue into their questioning. Just in time too, it looked like Ron was beginning to turn ginger.

Time to get the information and blow the joint.

He just had to make sure he didn't blow it.

"Why don't unicorns exist?"

Nailed it.

At this moment Sam, Dean and Castiel burst into the room. They were carrying party supplies and cake.

"Happy Birthday to the ground!" They cheered as they threw the cake with great force at Malfoy's feet.

"Mudbloods! My father will hear about this," Draco squealed with furious anger, "You fuckers are gonna pay."

"Lol, cry moar u horses ass," scoffed Castiel under his breath.

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?" snarled Draco, "I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in Defence against the Dark Arts, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Dumbledore's Army, and I have over 300 confirmed avada kedavras. I am trained in the dark arts and I'm the top wizard in the entire Death Eater cohort. You are nothing to me but just another mudblood. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Hogwarts grounds, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me while possessing an asian? Think again, ass-butt. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Death Eater spies across Britainand your wand is being traced right now so you better prepare for the oncoming storm, mudblood. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your possession of the prophet, Kevin Tran. You're fucking dead, angel. Double dead. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over six, maybe seven ways, and that's just with my wand. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Death Eaters and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, angel."

Suddenly, the Internet Police kicked down the door. They promptly started beating the shit out of Draco.

"You wanna fuck beat this copy pasta dead horse into the ground motherfucker?" the cops spat at Malfoy as they continued pulping him with their fists, "We will beat you like you beat this joke. Beat you until there's nothing but horse bones and gravel."

Castiel looked around awkwardly, while the Winchesters shared embarrassed glanced.

Under the cover of police brutality, Harry and Ron snuck back to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom before the Polyjuice Potion finally wore off.

"So what now?" Sam asked.

Dean shrugged.

"Stranger 1 has disconnected."

* * *

><p><strong>THE STORY NEVER ENDS.<strong>

**TUNE IN NEXT TIME (?) AS WE BEAT THIS DEAD HORSE INTO THE GROUND.**

**THE FUTURE IS NOTHING BUT HORSE BONES AND GRAVEL.**


	6. Season 9, why do you hurt me like this?

**And now for the thrilling continuation! **

**Season Ten is coming out in little over a month, so for all y'all Supernatural fans who want a recap, best strap yourselves in. This time, Omegle presents: Supernatural Season Nine, the season where Supernatural finally gets back on track?**

* * *

><p><em>Previously on Supernatural…<em>

"Hey Castiel," asked Dean, suddenly raising his gaze from his copy of Mark Danielewski's _House of Leaves_, "How did you survive the Leviathan's possession?"

"All this talk of your Earth dicks is making me hungry," smiled Castiel, "Why don't you and I find a room, Dean?"

"Yes," laughed Dean and soon Castiel was laughing with him.

Sam just kind of watched from the side like a creep.

Suddenly the Internet Police kicked down the door. They promptly started beating the shit out of Draco Malfoy, who had been lounging around in the room with Dean, Sam, Cas, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley disguised as Crabbe and Goyle through the use of Polyjuice Potion.

As Ron and Harry snuck out of the room before the Polyjuice Potion wore off, the Winchesters just sort of stood around awkwardly and watched the act of police brutality unfold.

* * *

><p><em>Present day… Present time. Hahahahaha!<em>

"You don't seem to understand," Dean said, turning around to face Ezekiel, "A shame. You seemed an honest man."

Ezekiel smiled. He extended his hand to Dean, who sat gripping his brother's dying body.

"You guys wanna have a slumber party?"

Dean frowned.

"I have lost it all. Help me to breathe. Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy oooh well ."

"Years later, I still cringe at hearing that," coughed Sam, blood splattering from his mouth as he choked out the words.

"I suppose," replied Ezekiel, "but listen, the top demographic is males between the ages of 18-25. This demographic needs more shows."

A single tear rolled down Dean's cheek. He turned to face Sam, and gestured for him to respond affirmatively.

Sam smiled, "Yeah kinda. You got one?"

"No."

Ezekiel turned to Dean and burst into a beam of light before thrusting his new form down Sam's throat. His soul juices sloshed around in Sam's mouth momentarily, before vanishing down the oesophagus.

Sam's eyelids fluttered and he fell unconscious.

Dean gasped. Sam's wounds had miraculously disappeared. He was fully healed.

Sam's eyes shot open. He turned to speak to Dean, but when he spoke it was with Ezekiel's voice.

"Anyone else think of _House of Leaves_ when they see this?"

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile in the Men of Letters bunker…<em>

Crowley sat in chains, as Kevin towered over him.

Kevin scowled fiercely.

"Scam Pony, that bastard mare! That damned horse tricked me for the last time."

Crowley chuckled.

"What?"

"Lol," smirked Crowley, "Scam horse?"

"What would you do if a horse scammed you out of $50, 000?" asked Kevin, gesturing wildly.

"I would rethink my life because I just got scammed by a fucking horse."

Kevin threw up his hands. Literally.

He vomited onto the floor, his severed hands flowing from the bile and onto the floor below.

"I'll just see myself out," responded Crowley, staring at the severed hands with abject horror. He got up and left, leaving Kevin sobbing on the ground as he feebly tried to reattach them to his stumps.

* * *

><p><em>Several days later, in Eugene, Oregon…<em>

The seemingly kind-hearted waitress April Kelly approached Castiel's table. She smiled at him, and leaned over towards him, exposing ample cleavage that the angel neither cared for nor understood.

"Do you want to know how hot you are?"

Castiel looked back quizzically.

"Can we talk about something else? Might I suggest: the economy?"

"Or my pussayyyyyy…" whispered April Kelly huskily, her voice laced with sexual desire and a hint of desperation.

"Sure. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your tightness?"

"7," she shot back a little too quickly.

Castiel nodded approvingly.

"Not too bad."

"How big is your dick," she replied, eager to keep the conversation flowing.

"Six inches."

April's sultry smile slipped. She looked at Castiel disapprovingly.

"Not acceptable. Are you black?"

"Obviously not."

"A shame. I was going to show it to you too."

"I'll try to work on that, somehow," Castiel replied earnestedly. He made a mental note to choose a black man the next time he was shopping around for a new vessel.

"I'm actually a rogue Reaper hired by Bartholomew," she screamed, plunging a knife into Castiel's crotch again and again.

"Haha what the actual fuck?" Castiel replied before picking up his coat and leaving the café.

Unsurprisingly, he left no tip.

* * *

><p><em>In Kansas, 1935<em>

Charlie, Sam and Dean were all chilling in the Men of Letters bunker when suddenly, Charlie accidentally released Dorothy and the Wicked Witch of the West who apparently EXISTED AND WERE FUCKING REAL WITHIN THE UNIVERSE OF SUPERNATURAL BECAUSE FUCKING WHY NOT!? AND THEN-

NOPE.

ACTUALLY, LET'S NOT.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Jesus fucking Christ, this episode. I can't even begin. I just can't. The fucking Wizard of Oz? Come on, Supernatural. You're better than this. At least "Mystery Spot" made sense, because it was the Trickster (or y'know, Gabriel) fucking around with the Winchesters.<strong>

**But the fucking Wizard of Oz? You can't just be all, "Nah, it's cool, Dorothy was a **_**hunter**_**. Get it? She **_**hunted**_** the Wicked Witch of the West just like Sam and Dean," and expect the audience to be like "Oh yeah, that not only makes sense but is awesome and cool and not at all the stupidest addition to the Supernatural lore to date."**

**Surely it doesn't get any stupider than this.**

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile in Enid, Oklahoma<em>

Dean turned to face Sam.

"I'm a dog now."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Oh, so not only does Dean become a dog but apparently all animals are sentient? Literally every animal on the planet is capable of intelligent thought?<strong>

**THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFYING REVELATION IN THIS SERIES TO DATE! EVERY SINGLE BURGER DEAN HAS EVER EATEN IS NOW RETROACTIVELY A HORRIFYING ACT OF DESECRATION OF THE BODIES OF ANIMALS WHO WERE CAPABLE OF RATIONAL THOUGHT AND PRESUMABLY HAD FAMILIES THAT LOVED THEM.**

**HOW THE HELL HAS DEAN NOT BECOME A VEGETARIAN? CONTINUING TO EAT MEAT AFTER LEARNING THIS, IS EQUIVALENT TO FINDING OUT SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE AND THEN GOING BACK FOR SECONDS! YOU DON'T JUST SHRUG IT OFF, THESE CREATURES ARE DEMONSTRATABLY SENTIENT LIFE.**

**IN HIS EYES, STEAKHOUSES SHOULD BE EQUIVALENT TO FUCKING DEATH CAMPS! YOU CAN'T JUST SHRUG THIS SHIT OFF MAN! **

**IN THE SPAN OF TWO EPISODES, SUPERNATURAL HAS SHAT IN THEIR AUDIENCES MOUTH TWICE. SUPERNATURAL NOW APPARENTLY TAKES PLACE IN THE SAME UNIVERSE AS THE WIZARD OF OZ AND DOCTOR FUCKING DOOLITTLE. **

**FUCK IT MAN, THEY SAID IT WASN'T JUMPING THE SHARK IF YOU NEVER CAME BACK DOWN, BUT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.**

**I WANT OFF OF SUPERNATURAL'S WILD RIDE.**

**FUCK THIS, I'M OUT.**

**TUNE IN NEVER AGAIN, FOR NOTHING. **


End file.
